


every breath hurts (there's no air in my lungs)

by Dusty_Skyes



Series: Striped Carnations, Bleeding Hearts [1]
Category: Banana Bus Squad, The Derp Crew
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Bullshitting medical stuff, Hurt and comfort, I feel like I need to clarify these tags, I promise, Illness, M/M, Mutual Pining, Unrequited Love, hanahaki, i don't need more series dammit, skye no, skye yes, the comfort doesn't come for a while, there's zero character death guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-16
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-12-03 01:40:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11521863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dusty_Skyes/pseuds/Dusty_Skyes
Summary: There are scarlet geranium petals on his pillow come morning. Ze has the sinking feeling that he knows why.Chilled has the petals of the Abyssinian Sword Lily on his tongue. He knows exactly why they exist.





	1. Scarlet Geraniums

**Author's Note:**

> A hanahaki au because I love making you guys scream at me. Also, Silver_Wraith doesn’t know about this one. SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKER

      The feeling of lachesism is a strange one. It’s a longing for clarity that comes with an impending disaster; when one’s mind is free of all distractions and they can only think of the here and now. There are terms for emotions like this, there’s an entire website that Ze knows of, but he really can’t think of anything but lachesism at the moment. Nothing else is coming to his head; it’s empty and silent and completely clear. He braces his hands on the counter and tries to breath in, desperately tries to steady his spinning head and ignore the mess in the sink.

     (There’s so much red.)

     Every breath hurts and he can’t breathe properly anymore; he doesn’t even know how much longer he can last.

     Lachesism; the longing for clarity of disaster. The word that sort of describes his situation, but also doesn’t at the same time, and Ze really can’t think of a better one at the moment.

     Not like it matters though, he won’t live much longer to think of any.

     (It all begins with ChilledChaos himself; the YouTube gamer that swept Ze up with a red hat and dragged him into a whirlwind of laughter, ridiculous jokes, and amazing game-play. There are nights of laughter, hours spent relaxing in his presence while they game, rechallenging bosses that they keep losing to again and again. It’s the days he randomly texts Chilled, begging for a recipe because Ze has suddenly found frozen cod in his freezer that’s more than a few months old and he has zero idea as to what he can do with it.

     And it’s in the hours when he chatters about botany—and Chilled _listens—_ and the other responds with ideas that Ze didn’t really think of. It’s in the recipes they exchange even though Chilled isn’t the best cook, the secrets that they tell only to each other, and in the inside jokes that even Adam and Max don’t know about. It’s in the time they spend together, just the two of them, where they talk about what they want in the future, and the evenings they spend walking in the park when Chilled flies out to visit Ze.

     It’s in the nights where Ze sleeps in the same bed as Chilled, curled up against him because he underestimated the cold of the winter where Chilled lives and his Canadian blood does nothing to stop the shivers. And it’s in the days when they eat out at a restaurant together, just the two of them, and in the hours where Chilled orders takeout and always remembers to get Ze’s favorite.

     It’s in the seconds after Ze has a terrible breakup and Chilled is there to help soothe his tears and broken heart. It’s in the moments after Chilled and Jess decide they make better friends than partners and Chilled spends many an hour just reminiscing to Ze about the fantastic times they had.

     Somewhere along the way, Ze falls in love. He doesn’t know if it’s the smooth accent, the snarky tongue, or the way Chilled picks fights with Adam whenever they golf; the thing is, he still falls in love with him.)

_( ( It’s not requited._

_Things immediately go from bad to worse._

_H e finds a small cluster of scarlet geranium petals on his pillow come morning. ) )_

**oOo**

     Like most things, there is an exact moment that Ze can pinpoint; the second where everything begins. It starts with a small tickle in his throat, the feeling that _something is there but not there_ that Ze can’t remove no matter how much water he drinks. His anxiety is jumpier than usual, an impending sense of doom combined with ‘something’s wrong here’ that doesn’t seem to fade at all over the course of the day and Ze doesn’t know how to make it better. He knows something is off, that there’s something different in his life, but he doesn’t know what and it makes him even more nervous. If there’s one thing Ze absolutely despises, it’s not knowing when something is going to happen. Spontaneous is good, but even those plans he makes suddenly and randomly with Chilled, Max, and Adam have some form of structure. This is completely and utterly random; a thought that comes out of the blue and smashes you upside the face.

     Ze paces a little in his bathroom and gingerly rubs at his chest, but the tickle that has been there for hours now refuses to go away. He has the sinking feeling that he knows what this is. ‘Please,’ he prays, ‘don’t let this be what I think it is,’ but deep down inside Ze already knows the truth.

     (It’s in the way Chilled moves, hips swaying just the slightest as he walks, and in the way he talks, lips fluttering as he stumbles over words while tipsy, and even in the way he laughs, the tone deep enough that it vibrates in Ze’s bones.)

     Just thinking about Chilled makes the tickle in his chest worse, and Ze lunges for the sink as the feeling bubbles up past the breaking point and spills over. The coughs that rip their way out of his chest are deep, hacking things that sound like he’s trying to cough up his lungs and—

     And Ze is entirely not surprised when a smattering of petals hits the sink bottom, their color just as red as the blood that came with. They splatter against the silver of the metal, painting a macabre picture of a future that he already knows about.

     As soon as he’s finished emptying out his lungs, Ze starts to laugh hysterically and he doesn’t stop until he’s gasping for breath and on the verge of another coughing session. He knows perfectly well that this is going to make recording sessions with Chilled almost impossible to do, that simply being in the vicinity of the other—even if it’s through a computer screen—is going to make this worse, and that this love Ze has for Chilled is going to be the end of him.

     Quite literally, too. Hanahaki isn’t something to joke about. It’ll clog up his lungs, more and more every time, until Ze is too weak to cough the petals out and he winds up suffocating to death.

     What a way to go.

     Sure, there are operations to remove the petals in your lungs and save your life, but you also lose the ability to ever love that person again.

     (Ze would rather die than lose his love for Chilled.)

_((He knows he’s going to die._

_There’s nothing he can do about it._

_Chilled is as straight as a ruler.))_

**oOo**

     Each and every subsequent recording session makes the tickle in his chest grow worse. It slowly changes from a small annoyance where Ze coughs up petals only once every few days or so, to a massive snarl in his lungs that leaves him coughing them up at least once a day. It’s a heavy weight in his breast, a sensation that he’ll never be free of. At least it’s only scarlet geraniums. Ze looked up what they meant once; he was particularly drunk at the time—and curious, which is not a good combination—and learned that they meant several things, going from ‘stupidity’ to ‘silliness’ and finally ending at ‘comfort’. He was pretty sure that Chilled’s scarlet geraniums meant ‘silliness’ and ‘comfort’ because the other was in no way stupid.

     The amount of blood that comes up with the petals grows worse as well, until he’s running the risk of actually staining the bottom of his sink a shade of red. Ze winds up purchasing several bottles of industrial strength cleaner, using the excuse that he’s repainting some walls when the cashier asks what he plans on doing with them. She doesn’t look like she believes him, but lets the subject drop, wishing him a good day as he leaves the store.

     Ze barely makes it home before the anxiety overcomes him and he spends two hours hiding in his bedroom, covers yanked over his head as he struggles to regulate his breathing. He doesn’t move when his phone buzzes, instead choosing to close his eyes and pretend to sleep.

     His phone buzzes again about fifteen minutes later, then rings a few seconds after, filling the air with the familiar sound of the intro to Chilled’s videos, but Ze is actually out cold, snoring softly into his pillow. All of the anxiety and emotional stress he’s been dealing with for the past couple weeks, combined with the hanahaki, has left him without much sleep and he hasn’t been eating as much as he should be, either. He doesn’t wake up for several hours, not until the sun has long since gone down, and when Ze stumbles into the kitchen, it’s well past midnight. For once, he’s hungry enough that he makes and eats an entire three egg omelet, before washing the dishes and going to search for his phone. It resides on his bedside table, right where he left it, and Ze unlocks it, wincing at the sight of 35 missed chat texts and three missed calls. Oops.

_**RoyalViking:** Good morning. _

_**ChillyDude:** dude it’s after midnight _

_**RoyalViking:** I just woke up. Fuck off, please. _

_**SeaBanana:** you feeling all right? _

_**RoyalViking:** Yes. A little groggy, but I’ve only been awake for twenty minutes. _

_**Maxican:** nice to see you’re feeling better. you’ve been a little off lately. _

     Ze winces a little at Max’s words. Trust him to spot the difference almost immediately.

_**RoyalViking:** My anxiety’s been acting up again. Don’t worry, I feel okay now. _

_**ChillyDude:** want me to come by  & check up on you? _

     Ze’s heart practically stops on his chest at the sight of Chilled being so caring and he swears he’s not breathing any more. The tickle that’s always present swells up and he has to drop the phone and lunge for the sink in a nearby bathroom. He coughs roughly and violently, splattering the sink with red petals and crimson blood. It’s going to be a bitch to clean up later, but he’s more focused on getting everything out of his lungs so he can breathe again.

     Behind him, his phone buzzes loudly, then again when he doesn’t respond. Ze braces against the edge of the sink and attempts to steady his breathing, spitting again and again in an attempt to get the taste of iron out of his mouth. He winds up rinsing his mouth and brushing his teeth, practically scrubbing his tongue raw just so he doesn’t have to taste anything.

     Blood and flower petals is a horrible combination and nothing anyone else says will ever convince him otherwise.

     It takes a little for Ze to steady himself enough to grab his phone again and he slowly picks it up, wincing at the sight of the chat.

_**ChillyDude:** ze? Ze? ZE? ARE YOU ALRIGHT? _

_**SeaBanana:** dude, chill a bit. Ze probably had to do something. _

_**Maxican:** idk, adam. ze doesn’t go afk without telling us first _

_**ChillyDude:** E.X.A.C.T.L.Y. _

_**RoyalViking:** Did you really put in the effort to do all caps and periods? _

_**ChillyDude:** ZE! _

_**Maxican:** did something happen? _

_**SeaBanana:** you went afk all of a sudden _

_**RoyalViking:** sorry, had a coughing fit and needed water _

_**ChillyDude:** coughing fit? are you sick or something? _

     ‘Or something,’ Ze thinks with a twitch. He _should_ tell them. They deserve to know. But—

_**RoyalViking:** Just feeling a little under the weather. Probably a little sick. _

_**Maxican:** hope you feel better soon, ze. _

_(Ze winces a little at the lie, but he doesn’t want them to worry._

_He has no idea how long he’ll last.)_

**oOo**

     One of the worst coughing fits Ze has is when he wakes up one morning, and he doesn’t even make it to the bathroom before it hits. He wiggles over to the edge of the bed and parts his lips, hacking hard enough that his entire body shakes, and bloody petals splatter across the wooden floor. Ze can barely get any air into his lungs, but with each cough it grows a little easier, until he’s able to take deep breathes once more and Ze rolls over onto his back and throws an arm over his eyes. His lips are coated thickly with blood and he licks them clean, wincing at the heavy taste of iron; he’s far too tired to get up and rinse his mouth at the sink so he just deals with it for the moment. He’ll get up and wash his mouth out later, once he stops feeling like he’s half-dead.

     Like, how does one even _decide_ that hanahaki is a good idea? ‘Oh, I know! Let’s make it so that when humans fall in love, and it isn’t requited, they cough up flower petals that symbolize who they’re in love with! And if it isn’t requited in time, or removed, they suffocate on the petals in their lungs!’ What kind of sick, twisted bastard even considers that level of bullshit in the first place?

     Whatever fucked up deity decided that hanahaki was a good idea, Ze wants to punch them in the face. Preferably with the sharpest object he can find. Then, if he’s feeling particularly sadistic, he might just go ahead and strangle them with their own intestines.

     He knows perfectly well what caused the attack, and Ze tries not to cry. Of fucking _course_ hanahaki would be triggered by a wet dream, especially the one he just had.

     (Ze tries to not think of the dream. Especially the part where Chilled had him pressed up against a wall, mouth hungrily traveling down the smooth column of his throat. Or the part where Ze’s on his back, legs spread wide and Chilled in between them, mouth wrapped around his cock. And he definitely does not think of the part when Chilled is sheathed inside of Ze, their hips meeting with every thrust and the sound of their skin connecting echoing through the room.

     It’s torture, really, to be so in love with someone he can’t ever have.)

     Lying on his back and staring up at his ceiling for a couple hours leaves Ze with quite some time to do nothing but think. He wonders if any of the others have dealt with hanahaki in the past. If they have, they obviously survived it, and the thought of that makes him both incredibly relieved and horribly jealous. Relieved because he doesn’t want to think about the possibility of losing his friends—hell, Ze wouldn’t wish hanahaki on anyone, even if it was someone he despised—but also jealous because their love must have been requited.

     It’s rather sobering to think that he might not be the only one who has suffered from hanahaki; to think that maybe the others have gone through the same thing. Chilled might have gone through it with Jess—or maybe not, Ze doesn’t know—or maybe even Max or Adam did.

_(He’s still drowning in his own lungs though._

_One day, he won’t be able to spit all of the petals out.)_

**oOo**

     Things get very sketchy for him when Ze almost has a coughing fit while on camera. He’s live-streaming with the others; Max, Adam, Chilled, Aphex, Galm, and Smarty cursing as they play Mario Kart, when Chilled coos, “This one’s for you, Ze!” and hurls a blue shell that comes in on Galm mid-jump, sending him plummeting into the abyss far below. Ze giggles almost hysterically at the sight, covering his mouth as he laughs. He can feel the tickle in his chest again and it concerns him greatly.

     “God dammit, Chilled!” Galm bellows as his kart is pulled upwards by Lakitu, the others zipping by, “you’re a fucking asshole!” Chilled practically howls with laughter, adding insult to injury by smashing him with a particularly well-timed green shell thrown backwards, and Galm’s voice pitches upwards into a scream of fury. “I can’t _believe_ you! How could you do that to me?”

     Chilled grins impishly into his face-cam and tips his hat. “Only for my babe, Ze,” he coos, and Ze nearly chokes on his laughter. The tickle in his throat grows ever larger and he cuts his laughter off in an attempt to keep it from happening.

     (It doesn’t work.)

     “Ze?” Chilled asks when the Canadian goes suddenly quiet, concern clear in his voice, “are you all right?” and—

     And the petals bubble up, choking him violently until he can’t breathe, and Ze tugs his headphones off and bolts from the room towards the kitchen. It’s the farthest sink away from his recording room and therefore has the least chance of anyone hearing him wretch. He barely makes it, slamming his hands down on the edges as he coughs, splattering the metal with blood and petals. They spill out past his lips, coating the sink bottom and he gags, spitting violently in an attempt to get everything out of his mouth so he can breathe again.

     Ze sags against the sink and drops his head between his knees, just breathing in and out slowly and dreading returning to the others. They’re probably worried out of their minds for him; Ze has never fled from a recording quite like that before. He knows that he’ll be facing the inquisition the moment he sits down and Ze closes his eyes at the thought.

     He gets up and rinses his mouth out, grabbing a pitcher of water and a glass before making his way back to his setup. The others are chattering worriedly, practically talking over each other, and the chat is going insane with questions. Ze settles back down, and he knows he looks tired.

     “Ze!” Galm exclaims, “what happened?”

     The Canadian winces, mind quickly pulling up an excuse. “I’ve been sick for the last couple days,” he finally decides. “Sorry about that. I had to go throw up.” Apparently he’s believable, probably because Ze does look like he’s been sick for a little while. Whatever it is, they wish him well.

     “Hope you feel better soon, Ze,” Chilled says. “I remember the last time _I_ was sick enough to throw up. Miserable for days.” He hums thoughtfully for a moment. “Drink lots of water and take care of yourself, okay?”

     Ze holds up the pitcher of water in silent response, smiling weakly when Chilled gives him a thumbs up. Galm nods, adding, “So if you suddenly vanish again, it’s because you had to throw up, right?”

     More like he has to cough out more petals. “Yeah,” Ze agrees, and tries to not feel bad about lying to them.

_(He’s dying by inches._

_Ze never thought he’d die of a broken heart.)_

**oOo**

     There’s a convention nearby that Ze decides to go to. It’s probably going to be his last one, but he just wants to see Chilled one more time before he goes. He’s started to cough violently now, petals spilling from his lips in near waterfalls, and Ze honestly doesn’t know how he’s still alive. By all rights, he _should_ be dead by now. He has no idea how much blood he’s lost through the months that he’s had this damn illness.

     (He would never give it up though. The illness tells him his love for Chilled is real.)

     Ze breathes in slowly and looks up at the building that houses the convention, hesitating just the slightest. He knows perfectly well that doing this could end him; the level of stress that comes with conventions could send him into a coughing fit that might actually kill him.

     (He tries to ignore the fact that the sight of Chilled could send him into a coughing fit that could kill him.)

     “Ze!” someone calls, and he turns to see Chilled heading towards him, waving almost frantically.

     “Oh, hey Chilled.” Ze smiles at him and swallows back the tickle in his throat. He’s close to coughing again, flowers building up in his chest, and it takes everything he has to pretend that he isn’t in pain. “I didn’t think I’d see you this soon.”

     Chilled beams at him, and it’s like the sun has suddenly come out from behind stormy clouds. Ze is side-swiped by his smile and he swallows forcefully, desperately trying to ignore the urge to cough. It’s so strong, tugging at his throat and pressing the skin there until he’s forced to choke on his breath. “Well, I’m here!” he says, spreading his arms wide, and Ze has to laugh.

     (The first chance he gets, he slinks into a nearby bathroom and spits bloody petals into the sink. Beside him, another guy gives him a sad smile. “How long?” he asks.

     “Too long,” Ze returns softly, spitting another mouthful out.

     “I wish you luck,” he says before leaving the bathroom. Ze laughs until there are tears running down his cheeks, sniffs, and wipes at his eyes, splashing water onto his face until he doesn’t look like he spent several minutes crying.)

     Ze steps out and heads right towards where he left Chilled and nearly swallows his tongue at the sight of some lady flirting with him. She’s pretty, he has to admit, dressed rather neatly, and the rage in his throat nearly chokes him. “Chilled!” he calls, sauntering over, and tugs his best friend—only best friend, because no matter how much Ze wishes for it, they’ll never be anything more—into a hug, casually glaring at the girl over the Italian’s shoulder until she slinks off defeated.

     “There you are, Ze. I wondered where you went.”

     “Needed to pee. Sorry.”

     Chilled grins and points out a nearby gaming setup and the two head towards it, talking about, of all the games that are coming out, which ones they want to play the most. Ze spends most of the conversation listening and pretending like he isn’t staring at Chilled’s face.

_(He is staring, blatantly, too, but the other doesn’t need to know that.)_

**oOo**

     Ze makes it back to his hotel that evening and nearly collapses on the floor. He staggers slightly and braces himself against the wall, moving along it until he’s standing at the doors that lead to the balcony. They slide open without a sound and he steps out onto the platform, staring up at the sky above. It’s not cloudy or foggy in the least and he stares at the stars above, sighing heavily. “How much longer do I have, I wonder?”

     He licks his lips and slowly draws air into his chest, pressing a hand against his breast. “When will I go? Will I even last the month?” There are petals in his lungs and it’s getting harder to breathe again. “What will the others think when they find out?”

     His throat is clogged and Ze chokes on his tears, burying his head into his hands as he cries. Why did he have to go and fall in love with Chilled?

     “Why did I have to go and do something so _stupid_ as falling in love?” he wonders, reaching out a hand towards the glittering lights above. “Especially with, of all people, them?” Ze doesn’t know what he’s going to do with himself, especially if he does— _somehow—_ manage to survive hanahaki.

     He has no idea how he’s going to explain this to everyone. Especially not to his subscribers.

     Oh, no, his subscribers. Ze breathes in again and reaches for his phone, opening the app he occasionally uses to record. He settles down on the bed and sets it up, making sure that he’s completely in the frame before pressing start.

     “Hey, guys, ZeRoyalViking here” he says, and he knows he looks terrible, “this may or may not be my last video. I, uh...” He trails off and swallows nervously, licking his lips. “I, um, have hanahaki. It’s reaching its final stage and I know I won’t last much longer. It’s already getting very difficult to cough everything out of my lungs.”

     Ze shakes his head slowly. “I know I could have it removed, but I…I’d rather die of the disease than lose my ability to love them. It’s a personal choice, I know. And I know you guys are going to be absolutely furious with me. Especially Max and Chilled and everyone else….because…. Because I didn’t tell anyone. Because I passed it off as being sick.”

     He sighs. “I’m honestly surprised I managed to make it this long without being found out. And I know my best friends are going to be furious. Especially Chilled, probably because he didn’t notice.”

     The Canadian leans back a little, readjusting his phone “I have no idea how much longer I’ll last. As of making this video, I think I have maybe a month at most?” He shrugs a little.

     “I’ve had fun, honestly, doing this for all of you, and I’m sorry that it had to end like this. And, please, don’t try and hunt down who gave me the hanahaki in the first place. They don’t know, and I don’t think they ever will.” Ze laughs, adding, “That’s probably because I never told them, but still.”

     “And, I, um…thank you for being with me for so long. This is goodbye.” Ze smiles at the camera and ends the recording, breathing in slowly.

_(He never thought he’d have to record this video._

_Ze’s dying and he knows it._

_It’s a heart-breaking way to go.)_

**oOo**

     He makes it approximately two and a half weeks before he collapses. He’s in his kitchen, preparing for his impending death by setting everything up—the video explaining everything is queued up and ready—when the petals in his throat swell upwards and he staggers to his feet, choking loudly. The petals spill out before he can reach the sink and Ze gags on the bloody mess. He spits them into the sink, struggling to breathe through the petals, and coughs violently. Thin tears run down his cheeks, and his head is spinning. He knows he won’t make it past today.

     Ze stumbles backwards, gagging loudly, and crumples on the tile near the sink, hands reaching for his phone. He has to do this.

_(He barely manages to post the video before everything goes black._

_Ze stops breathing.)_


	2. Abyssinian Sword Lillies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd tell you I feel bad, except I'd be lying. Do enjoy!

     It’s Chilled who somehow manages to do it, in the end.

     (Chilled, who loves Ze just as much as Ze loves Chilled; Chilled, who panics when Ze doesn’t text him for three days and promptly books another flight, hauling his own ass back to the airport; Chilled, who saves Ze’s life in the end.

     What a pair of stupid idiots they are. Really, they should have seen this coming a mile away.

     But that’s not our beginning.)

     It begins, all the way back at the very start, when they first meet, and Chilled grins widely at the other. “I’m Anthony or ChilledChaos” he tells him, “but I prefer Chilled.”

     The Canadian smiles at him, something soft in his gaze, and says, “Steven or ZeRoyalViking.”

     “Can I call you Ze?”

     He seems to think it over for a little before eventually nodding. “Sure,” Ze says.

     They game together, laughing almost hysterically at all the stupidity, and Chilled is absolutely delighted to have another friend.

     (Looking back, Chilled can pinpoint the exact moment when Ze stopped being a friend and started being something _more_. But he was a little bit of an oblivious idiot back then, even now he still is, and hanahaki doesn’t kick in unless one realizes that they are in love.)

     ((It’s in the days when they laugh together on Skype, just the two of them, and in the hours when Ze tells him about mythology, twisting his voice into that of different creatures, and in the moments when he speaks about botany—Chilled is actually quite interested in the subject, it’s so _fascinating_. And it’s in the times they spend at each other’s place, Ze curled up against Chilled because even his Canadian blood  can’t keep him warm sometimes, or the moments when they walk through whatever park is nearby. It’s the days when they get coffee together, tasting each other’s concoction and laughing at the face made. 

     And it’s in the moment when the fans coin ZeRoyalChaos and Chilled laughs until he cries, Ze giggling hysterically right beside him until they’re left gasping for breath. It’s in the way Adam and Max poke fun at their closeness  and Chilled sticks his tongue out at them, because they’re just jealous, and then all of them laugh together. 

     It’s in the way they game together, and Ze and Chilled find themselves orbiting towards each other, often winding up on the same team because they mesh well.))

     Looking back, Chilled knows exactly when he fell in love with Ze. It’s only a pity that it took so long for him to realize it.

     (Okay, so maybe he’s more than a little bit oblivious. But he wasn’t the most confident about his own sexuality in the first place, so he thinks he’s allowed a little leeway. He isn’t quite gay, definitely not completely straight, and bi isn’t really it either. It takes a little while before Chilled realizes that he doesn’t care about gender, just personality. So that makes him pan, then. All right, he can do pan.)

     They’re stupid together, practically a couple from the very beginning, and Chilled is kicking himself for not realizing it sooner.

_(Really, he’s lucky things turned out as well as they did._

_It could have been a lot worse.)_

**oOo**

     There’s an exact moment that Chilled can pinpoint where everything changed. Not in a bad way, no, but things just sort of _shifted_ to the right, and suddenly nothing was the same anymore. It’s the recording session where Ze doesn’t look in Chilled’s direction, casually avoiding his screen on their Skype call, and the moment when he doesn’t use his camera when it’s just the two of them.

     (Call it a gut feeling, but he’s pretty sure Ze is lying about being sick. Ze doesn’t _get_ sick. In fact, he hasn’t been sick in _years_.)

     ((Chilled feels terrible for doubting him when Ze uses his camera again about three weeks later, and, yeah, he looks like he’s been sick. But his instincts still tell him that something is wrong; they whisper in his ear but he can’t quite understand what they’re saying.))

     But they’re still friends, and they joke about things together and play horrible games. Ze giggles hysterically when Chilled trolls the fuck out of Adam while they’re messing about with Slenderman, curses alongside him when Aphex, Smarty, and Galm land massive damage hits on them in Shellshock, and shrieks loudly at the jumpscares when they do scary G-mod maps. He snickers when Chilled absolutely destroys the others in Mario Kart, and chokes on his laughter when Chilled is the one getting destroyed by CPUs. And Ze nearly dies of glee when he’s on the same team as Aphex and the other lands two snipers in a row on Chilled, much to the other’s rage, and removes his tank from play within three turns.

     (They’re still friends, but it’s like there’s a gaping chasm now separating them. Chilled isn’t sure where it came from or why it now exists or even what caused it. He just hopes it can be filled in before it gets any deeper. Or wider. He doesn’t think he could take it if he lost Ze.)

     ((Looking back, Chilled knows perfectly well that he’s been in love with Ze for _years_ , he just never realized it. It’s probably why all of his other relationships didn’t go quite like they should have. He wasn’t giving them his entire heart, just the parts he hadn’t already given to Ze. Jess most likely saw it well before he did; she always was intelligent in the matters of the heart, and now that he thinks about it, there _was_ this knowing glint in her eyes when they broke up. So, yeah, she definitely knew. Chilled owes her a thank-you and some chocolates for kicking his ass into gear.

     The worst part about looking back, is now everything makes sense. The annoyance at other people hanging off of Ze at conventions, the glee he felt when the Canadian smoothly rejected them, the pride at the other’s accomplishments—he was happy for Galm and Smarty and Aphex, too, but Ze most of all—and the anger whenever Ze was hurt.

     Chilled remembers being absolutely furious at Ze’s girlfriend for destroying him emotionally. Even if he didn’t understand why, he still recalls the sensation of wanting to strangle her.))

     Really, looking back, Chilled wouldn’t be surprised to find his picture underneath the definition of oblivious in the dictionary.

_(How he managed his love-life as well as he did, Chilled doesn’t know._

_Ze and his advice, most likely.)_

**oOo**

     Something clicks into place when Ze suddenly bolts in the middle of a live-stream. They’re playing Mario Kart, chattering and laughing as they raise money for charity, when an item box that Chilled zips through grants him the grandest of shells: The blue shell. Galm, who’s in first, twitches a little at the sound of his cackling. “This one’s for you, Ze!” Chilled coos, barely managing to get the words out through his laughter, and Galm can’t contain a groan when the blue shell symbol appears on the mini map.

     “Oh, come on!’ he exclaims, but he’s too far ahead to let anyone pass and take the blow for him, and Galm ramps over a jump, praying that he makes it to the other side before the shell hits. He doesn’t, the thing impacting on him mid-air, and he starts cursing violently as the others pass him while Lakitu drags his kart up and out. “God _dammit_ , Chilled! You’re a fucking asshole!” Lakitu sets his kart down and Galm immediately zips forward, only to be halted in his tracks once again by a backwards-thrown green shell—courtesy of Chilled, because _who else would it be—_ and Galm’s scream pitches upwards so fast that his voice nearly cracks _._ “I can’t believe you!” he howls. “How could you do that to me?”

     Chilled tips his hat at the camera, grinning wide enough to split his face in two. “Only for my babe, Ze,” he says, casually, and Ze is laughing so hard that he chokes on it.

     (It’s very concerning when Ze cuts off suddenly, and Chilled can hear him desperately trying to regulate his breathing and—)

     “Ze?” he asks, because he’s _worried_ for him, “are you all right?”

     Ze spasms on screen and yanks his headphones off, leaping to his feet as he bolts out of the room. The door slams behind him and for a while there’s nothing but silence. “Ze?” Chilled calls, louder, and when no response comes, his worry ramps up into concern. The chat goes practically crazy with theories, ranging from a mild illness to full on sickness.

     Chilled’s heart practically stops when hanahaki is suggested but the other chat users quickly shut it down, rapidly listing signs of the illness. His blood runs cold at how _correct_ some of the symptoms are. Surely Ze would tell them if he had hanahaki, right?

     (Before, that answer would have been a ‘yes’ without hesitation, but now Chilled isn’t so certain anymore.)

     His worry continues growing until Ze steps back into view of the camera, setting a couple things down onto his desk with a faint _thump_. The Canadian looks tired, drawn, and ready to sleep for a day or two. “Ze!” Galm exclaims before Chilled can even open his mouth, “what happened?”

     “I’ve been sick for the past couple days,” Ze says quietly. “Sorry about that. I had to go throw up.”

     (Chilled doesn’t quite believe him, but he accepts the excuse all the same.)

     “Hope you feel better soon, Ze,” Chilled tells him. “I remember the last time _I_ was sick enough to throw up. Absolutely miserable for days.” He pauses and hums a little, considering what he did while ill. “Make sure to drink lots of water and take care of yourself, okay?”

     Ze holds up a large pitcher of water and Chilled grins at the sight of it, glad that his best friend already thought of that. Galm nods approvingly and adds, “So if you suddenly vanish again, it’s ‘cause you had to throw up, right?”

     “Yeah,” Ze says.

_(Chilled doesn’t believe him._

_He has no idea as to why that might be.)_

**oOo**

     Chilled finally gets a clue when the convention happens. Not what’s going on with Ze, no, but his own level of obliviousness. They meet up at the entrance and Ze’s smile is tight, pain hidden in his eyes, but he looks just as happy to see Chilled as Chilled is to see him. “Ze!” he calls, grinning widely.

     “Oh, hey, Chilled,” Ze says, and there’s something wrong with the tone of his voice.

     (There’s definitely something wrong, but, for the life of him, Chilled can’t guess what it is.

     It gets worse when Ze just up and vanishes. Chilled would look for him, but he’s recognized by a fan and has to talk to them, lest he be perceived as rude. It takes five minutes for him to escape from them and he turns to look for the Canadian, only to be dragged into another conversation be a fan. It’s a lady this time—rather pretty, he does have to admit, but not his taste in the least—and she strikes up a conversation about the recording equipment that he uses.

     She’s also subtly flirting with him but he ignores that completely, instead explaining how he does his setup. It’s definitely annoying her; he can tell by the way the skin around her eyes tightens just slightly. Ze somehow manages to show up at that exact moment, because he calls, “Chilled!” and saunters over, pulling him into a massive hug. Something gleams in his eyes, a warning that he barely sees before he’s tugged against the Canadian—but the lady obviously sees it, because she retreats only seconds later.

     “There you are, Ze. I wondered where you went.”

     Ze smiles at him. “Needed to pee. Sorry.” Well, there are bathrooms in that direction, and he doesn’t seem to be lying, so Chilled accepts it as close enough to the truth and moves on.

     “Well,” he says, sweeping his arm sideways, “there’s an interesting gaming setup over there,” and Ze covers his mouth with a laugh as he follows right behind.

     (It’s later that evening when Chilled _finally_ figures things out. He’s heading back towards his hotel after the convention, mind whirling as as he thinks about Ze’s odd behavior over the day. Chilled pauses as he passes by Ze’s hotel, sharp eyes spotting said Canadian on the balcony to his room. Ze is staring at the stars above him, the glittering lights illuminating his face in a way that steals Chilled’s breath right out of his lungs.

     ‘Oh,’ he realizes, staring at Ze with wide eyes and a dropped jaw, ‘Ze is gorgeous.’ Chilled watches his friend until he walks back into his room and slowly makes his way towards his own hotel, mind stunned by the revelation. It’s new; he’s never looked at one of his friends quite like that before and Chilled is left reeling.

     Chilled steps into his hotel room and leans against the door, absolutely stunned. There’s a tickle in his chest, heavy and deep, and it catches him by surprise when he starts to cough. He hunches over, hands covering his mouth as something forces its way up his throat, spilling out into his hands. His stomach sinks and he breathes in, gathering the courage to look down.

_(There are white petals in the palm of his hand, spotted with crimson._

_He’s in love with Ze.)_

**oOo**

     There are no words that can describe how annoyed Chilled is at the fact that wet dreams can trigger hanahaki. He _does not appreciate_ waking up choking on the petals in his throat, and Chilled bolts for the sink, spitting them out as viciously as he can.

     Memories of the dream flicker through his head, and Chilled groans faintly, his cock twitching at the thought of being buried inside of Ze’s body. Ever since seeing him on that balcony only three days ago, Chilled’s wanted his best friend almost desperately, and the idea of actually getting to sheath himself inside of Ze is too good to be true.

     (It’s a little embarrassing to admit, but Chilled wants to pin him against the wall and ravish him senseless. At least he knows his own sexuality now.)

     He coughs again, spitting more petals into the sink, and tries not to sigh, instead choosing to go and take a shower before he gets erect again. At the very least, maybe he can jerk one off quickly. Dragging a petal out of his mouth with his fingers, Chilled twists the knobs and steps in, taking advantage of the warm water and rinsing out his mouth. There’s another petal behind his molars and he spits it out, grinding it beneath the heel of his foot and watching with glee as the thing is washed away.

     Chilled leans back against the wall and runs a hand through his hair, idly considering the dream again. He’d had Ze on his back, legs spread wide just for him, and Chilled had been rather surprised to find himself on his knees in between, Ze’s knees hooked over his shoulders.

     (He doesn’t usually dream about giving blowjobs to other men, not like this, but Chilled finds that he rather likes having Ze in this position. It grants him a perfect view of the Canadian’s face, flushed and breathless from pleasure.)

     It’s by this point that Chilled has to admit that he’d do pretty much anything for Ze. So, yeah, he’s royally screwed. Why on earth did he have to go and fall in love with Ze? Especially because Ze seems to be head over heels for someone else. Enough so that he’s suffering from hanahaki. There’s something about that statement that makes Chilled burn with jealousy.

     (Almost immediately after spitting out petals the first time, Chilled looked up what they were. It took him three hours, but eventually he figured it out. White petals with a red triangle center. An Abyssinian Sword Lily. ‘Courage’, ‘purity’, and ‘sweetness’, which describes Ze to a ‘T’. In fact, Chilled probably couldn’t cough up a more fitting flower if he tried.)

     There’s something to be said about dealing with hanahaki. Chilled didn’t know how much he had until the disease came into his life and now his death is impending. Now he knows how much he will lose.

_(When Ze dies, Chilled will most likely not have his hanahaki removed._

_His grief will take him to his own grave.)_

**oOo**

     The incident happens a little less than three weeks after the convention. Three days before, Ze suddenly drops off the radar, not returning anyone’s texts, and Chilled has a full on panic attack. His stomach drops completely, straight out of the blue with no warning, and he’s terrified that something might have happened to his best friend. Somehow, he manages to make it the three days Ze’s gone before it overwhelms him completely.

     In his panic, Chilled books the next flight straight to the city Ze lives in, frantically throws everything he could need into a suitcase, and hauls ass out to his car and to the airport. His flight takes off in thirty minutes, it was a very last minute booking, but he makes it to security with twenty minutes to spare, panting heavily. The lady at one of the machines stops him, looking him over carefully. “What’s the hurry?” she asks.

     Chilled freezes, because there’s no way he can get through security before his plane takes off, and blurts the one thing that wouldn’t leave him alone: “I think my best friend is dying of hanahaki.”

     She stares at him for a moment, and the wild, terrified look in his eyes must convince her that he’s telling the truth, because she immediately drops his suitcase onto the belt for the x-ray machine and quickly begins patting him down. “All right,” she tells him, pulling her hands away, “you’re good. Step through the metal detector, grab your suitcase, and make your way to your gate. Have a good flight.”

     He doesn’t hesitate, and speed-walks through, grabbing his bag as he passes by and making a beeline towards where his flight boards. As he walks, Chilled glances at his watch and his jaw nearly drops. In and through security in less than twenty minutes. ‘A new world record,’ he thinks wryly, and it’s all because Ze might be dying.

     (God, he hopes he gets there in time. Even if it’s only so he can say goodbye.)

     The entire flight there, Chilled worries, switching from frantically texting Max in an attempt to calm down to chewing nervously on his nails. He ends up plugging in his music and tapping his fingers on his arm to the beat, trying to focus on anything but the impending doom in his gut.

     (Something is wrong. Something is so wrong and Chilled really needs a paper bag before he passes out from terror.)

     It takes everything he has to not bolt off of the plane once it lands, and Chilled quickly makes his way through security once again, focusing on snatching up his bag and waving down a taxi as soon as he possibly can. He gives the driver Ze’s address, adding for him to, “Please, hurry,” and settles down in the back seat, dropping his head into his hands in an attempt to steady his breath.

     “You seem agitated,” the driver comments as they make a right turn.

     “Worried,” Chilled corrects, but doesn’t expand.

     “Ah. Concern for another. A good reason to be in a hurry.” They apparently know all of the shortcuts because they arrive well before Chilled expected them to; he steps out and pays their fare, tipping handsomely as well.

     Ze’s house is exactly as Chilled remembers and he hurries up the walk, getting ready to knock, but pauses at the door. It’s dead silent and Ze almost always has some sort of music playing. Now far more concerned, Chilled pulls out his spare key—he has one to Ze’s place, and Ze has one to his—and unlocks the front door. He pushes it open and steps inside, holding his breath at what he might find.

     (It’s not what he expects.)

     His heart drops out of his chest at the sight of Ze crumpled on the kitchen floor, blood and scarlet petals pooling around his lips, phone lying abandoned nearby—the screen is still lit, it hasn’t been that long yet. Ze isn’t moving, eyes open and glassy, and Chilled shrieks his name and bolts over to his side, dropping down to his knees to press a hand against his lips.

     Ze isn’t breathing.

     Chilled can feel everything go quiet inside of his head, all of his worries and fears just vanish in the face of the situation, and he just reacts. He needs to get Ze breathing again. The human body can only last three minutes without oxygen and he doesn’t know how long Ze has been lying there on the floor.

     It’s a weird fact to know, but Chilled doesn’t care. He sits back and drags Ze’s limp form up and onto his lap, pulling his jaw open and quickly cleaning out his mouth, taking great care to not shove anything down his throat. Then he lies him back down, places one hand on his breastbone, lines the other one up, and presses down sharply, quickly counting the beat in his head.

1…2…3…4

1…2…3…4

1…2…3…4

     He’s terrified at the thought of losing Ze, absolutely terrified, and Chilled can feel his heart in his throat. “Please, please, please,” he whispers, and the panic is rising quickly.

     Then Ze jerks underneath him, body spasming, and Chilled scrambles back, watching as the Canadian rolls over and coughs violently, petals and blood splattering across the floor. He scoots over and lands a sharp blow between his shoulder blades, bracing Ze’s chest against his hand.

     Chilled can hear the way the Canadian gasps for breath, raggedly dragging air into his lungs and spitting everything that comes up out.

_(_ _Ze’s splattering his_ _clothing_ _with red, but Chilled doesn’t care._

_Not when Ze’s in his arms and breathing again._ _)_

**oOo**

     Ze is constantly tired after that, and he doesn’t try to hide how bad it is. Chilled keeps an eye on him, casually managing to keep his own hanahaki hidden. It gets worse while in the vicinity of Ze; he’s practically coughing up whole flowers by now, but it’s worth it to see that Ze is all right.

     Chilled aids Ze through several more coughing fits over the next two days, worrying about how many petals there are spilling from his lips. Ze doesn’t seem too concerned about it, looking very much like he has already accepted his death.

     “Why didn’t you tell us?” Chilled asks once.

     “Because I didn’t want anyone to see me like this,” Ze returns, looking sad.

     “Oh.”

     It’s only when they curl up together on Ze’s bed later on, that the Canadian sighs. “I’m sorry, Chilled. I know I won’t make it through the night,” he says quietly, pressing his face into the pillows. Chilled nudges him closer, pressing their bodies together.

     He waits till Ze is asleep, his breathing shallow but even, before he presses his face against Ze’s neck and whispers, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I love you. I love you. I love you,” until exhaustion overcomes him and he blacks out.

_(Chilled doesn’t want morning to come._

_He knows he’ll wake up with the corpse of his best friend in his arms.)_


	3. Rose of Sharon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to be gone for a little bit, so I'm posting this now. Enjoy!

     There are good lives, and there are bad lives. Lives that seem to go on forever, and lives that are tragically cut short.

     When Ze falls asleep for what he is certain to be the final time, he knows his life has been cut short.

     He is, understandably, very, very, _very_ surprised when he wakes up the next morning,  and, while his lungs still hurt, they no longer feel like they’re on fire. Ze keeps his eyes clamped shut, just enjoying his ability to breathe deeply for the first time in months. His pillow is warm underneath him, the steady, rhythmic thumping bringing an odd sense of peace. 

     Then he registers the fact that his pillow is  just as alive as he is and jerks his head up, eyes blowing wide at  the sight of Chilled sleeping beside him. His head is tilted to the side and he’s snoring faintly, lips parted as he breathes slowly, and his arm is wrapped tightly around Ze’s waist, their legs tangled together. “ Oh, god,” he breathes, cringing because his hanahaki will kick in at any second. 

     His heartbeat thuds loudly in his ears and he spends several moments doing nothing but breathing, waiting for the  flowers to come,  waiting for them to swell up in his throat and choke him on petals and blood.

     (They don’t  come .  His lungs are clear. Ze’s hanahaki is  _gone_ .  There’s only one reason why.

     Chilled requited him.)

     He lies there and breathes slowly, in and out, until Chilled stirs, groaning faintly as he wakes up. His hand comes up to rub at his face, shoving the few locks of his that have fallen into his face away, and his eyes flicker open. Ze bites his lip, then quietly says, “Good morning, Chilled,” and watches as he freezes. 

     “Ze?” Chilled asks, head immediately whipping around to face him. His eyes go wide and he yanks the Canadian into a hug, pressing his face into Ze’s neck. “ You’re all right,” he breathes. “You’re all right.” 

     Ze hesitates, running a hand through his hair, and heaves a sigh. “Did you...did you requite me?” he quietly inquires, and Chilled goes so still Ze is certain he’s no longer breathing.

     “ Requite you?” Chilled’s eyes grow even wider; they’ve grown so wide he looks like the universe has stopped spinning underneath him. “Ze, did you have hanahaki for me?”

     “I did.” Ze smiles gently, cheeks pinking, and Chilled wraps him in a hug, practically smashing their lips together.

     “I had hanahaki for you,” he confesses, pulling back so he can press kisses  against Ze’s neck. 

     The Canadian jerks back, catching Chilled’s face between his hands. Chilled blinks at him, a little confused. Ze looks worried. “What? How long?”

     Chilled tilts his head back and huffs a breath. “I had the damn thing for over three weeks now, but I think I was in love with you  long before that. Probably from the first time we met.”

     Ze laughs, bright and clear, and immediately starts coughing. He hunches over, covering his mouth, and Chilled panics, frantically pulling his hands away to check for petals and blood. There’s nothing there, though, and he relaxes when Ze stops. “Water, please,” the Canadian croaks, and Chilled leaps to his feet to grab a glass for him. Ze grabs it and sips quickly, breathing in and out slowly. “I don’t have it anymore, but I think it fucked my lungs.”

     “What comes next?” Chilled asks.

     A soft smile crosses Ze’s face. “I need to speak to my doctor. You’re coming with.”

_(Chilled agrees._

_It’s probably for the best.)_

**oOo**

     The appointment Ze makes is for the same day, three hours past noon. They were lucky that Ze’s doctor is available that soon, and the two of them head over. It’s close enough that they can walk there, and Chilled is all too happy to keep an arm wrapped around his waist. Ze laughs and pushes him away gently, then takes his hand and squeezes it tightly. Chilled shakes him off and swings him up, hauling Ze up and onto his back. The Canadian squeals and wraps his hands around Chilled’s shoulders, laughing loudly  as the Italian hip-checks the door to the doctor’s office open. It’s cooler inside, a rather refreshing change from the blistering heat outside, and Ze hops down when an older woman gives them a filthy look. Chilled, never the one to back down from a challenge, sticks his tongue out at her and wraps an arm around Ze’s waist, steering him towards where they check-in. 

     Her scandalized gasp makes Ze duck his face, cheeks burning pink, and Chilled tugs him aside and presses their foreheads together. “You,” he begins quietly, “have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of,” and  steals a kiss .  Her eyes grow even wider and Chilled takes the chance to flip her off behind Ze’s back before leading him  up towards the lady waiting behind the counter. 

     Ze smiles at her and tells her exactly what she needs to know, even thinking far enough ahead to have his insurance card and ID ready for her to check. “Thank you,” she says, handing everything back. “The doctor will call your name when they’re ready, so please take a seat over there.”

     Chilled gives her a cheeky salute and guides Ze over to a seat, practically  snickering for some reason that Ze can’t guess, and settles down beside him, entwining their hands gently and the Canadian can’t help but giggle. They sit there for a little while, just basking in each other’s presence, until the doctor they’re there to see calls out Ze’s name and asks for the two of them to follow. They’re led to a room and the door is closed behind them.

     The doctor settles down in a chair and turns to face them, gesturing to the nearby raised bed. “Please, take a seat. Now, what can I do for you today?”

     Ze breathes in. “I had hanahaki.”

     “Same here,” Chilled says,  barely managing the words before the doctor speaks. 

     “All right,” she says, looking the two men sitting in front of her over. “You’re both going to need scans so we can check on your lungs. How long?”

     Chilled shrugs. “Less than a month.”

     With a wince, Ze says, “Over six months.”  Chilled wraps an arm around him and tugs him close, nuzzling against the Canadian’s hair. 

     “I’m here now.  I know now ,” he murmurs. 

     She glances between them, and says, “I assume you two requited each other, then? Good. That’s good.  I see far too many who die from the petals that choke them. Now, I would like you two to follow me. We’re going to go get your lungs checked out.” 

     It takes them twenty minutes to get back to the room, to get back to each other, and Chilled immediately  presses up against  Ze , pulling them against each other. She settles back in her seat and looks over the papers in her hand, quietly letting the two of them relax in each other’s presence. “Well,” she begins, catching their attention, “it looks like Anthony is fine. You didn’t have the hanahaki for very long, so you won’t actually need any medication. Your lungs will heal just fine on their own.”

     Ze licks his lips. “And me?”

     “Steven, you’ll need some pretty heavy stuff.  The hanahaki did a real number on your lungs.” She sighs. “I’m going to be dead honest with you; I’m surprised that you actually managed to live long enough to be requited.” 

     Chilled is the one who winces this time. “I know some cpr,” he says. “Aided Ze through a bunch of coughing fits.”  He shrugs. “This would have been a lot simpler if we had actually known that we had hanahaki for each other, but it didn’t work out that way.”

     The doctor laughs. “Something things just work out like that,” she says. “I’m going to write you a prescription, Steven. It will aid your lungs in healing themselves.”

     “Do I have to take it?”

     “If you want the healing to take three times as long, then no, you don’t have to take the medication.”

     Ze scowls. His lungs hurt enough as it is, but to wait that long for them to heal? “All right. I’ll take it.”

     She nods. “Good. That’s all for today, then. Go check out. I want to see the both of you back here in eight weeks. We’ll check on your lungs again  then.”

     They leave, delighted that things are going so well.

_(Two hearts, beating as one._

_They’re together now.)_

**oOo**

     For a while after that visit, things are a little hectic. Done with being in his house, Ze packs and takes a flight with Chilled back to his place. They spend the time alone together, learning each other’s body.

     (Ze very casually does not mention the night Chilled spent tasting his skin. Or the night Chilled settles in between his thighs, buried deep inside of him. He doesn’t think about the hickies scattered across his skin underneath his shirt, nor does he consider the times Chilled pins him against the wall and kisses him senseless.

     That’s a lie; he can’t stop thinking about them.)

     He also completely forgets about the video he posted for approximately two and a half weeks, and it isn’t until Chilled is doing a live-stream that they remember. Ze is mostly asleep, his head lying on Chilled’s lap, and he’s just out of range of the camera. Chilled is playing with most of the group, and they’re doing a large-scale game that’s been driving all of them insane for a while now. He’s live-streaming it, too, as are Cartoonz, Ohm, Jiggly, Adam, and Tyler, but the others are all oddly quiet for such a rage-inducing game.

     At this point, all Chilled and Ze are waiting on is the timer of the oven. Chilled frowns a little at the lack of enthusiasm while they’re gaming, and finally asks, “What the hell is going on?”

     Vanoss blinks at him. “You mean you didn’t see Ze’s final video? The one that explains that he is dying of hanahaki?”

     “Video?” Chilled echoes, and he blanches when he realizes what Evan’s talking about. “Oh, shit. That.” Behind him, the oven timer goes off, and he curses under his breath and pauses the game, much to the other guys’ complaints. He sets the controller down and runs a hand through Ze’s hair. “Hey, baby. You awake?”

     “Baby?” Adam asks, eyebrows slowly rising up towards the top of his head.

     Ze grumbles, slowly coming back from his half-asleep daze. “I—uh…what?”

     “C’mon, babe, wake up a little more. I’m going to grab the shrimp from the oven and make us plates.”

     “Extra shrimp on mine?”

     “And your medication, too, babe,” Chilled says, and watches as Ze makes a face.

     “I hate that stuff.”

     Chilled rolls his eyes upwards and snorts. “You need that shit to heal the damage the hanahaki did to your lungs. Now off my lap so I can make the plates. You have some explaining to do, anyway.” He gently shoves Ze’s head off of his lap, laughing when the Canadian swats at him, and strides into the kitchen. Ze grumbles under his breath and stretches, lazily stretching just out of reach of Chilled’s camera.

     “Baby?” Adam repeats, looking very much like the world is rearranging itself underneath him, and picks up his glass of water. He stares into the liquid like it holds the answers to the universe.

     Ze sucks air in slowly and glances up at the empty face-came frame in the upper corner of the game. There’s a sliver of Chilled in the left side, barely visible through the doorway to the kitchen, and he’s bent over, halfway through pulling a tray out of the oven. Ze glances nervously at the camera, drags in a lungful of air, and casually shifts until he’s within view.

     Adam drops his drink, splashing it all across his lap, and goes sheet white. “Ze?” he asks, breathing the word like it’s a prayer, and the entire group goes silent. The chat starts spamming his name like crazy; it’s relief that he’s alive mixed with the occasional mention of ZeRoyalChaos being canon.

     Ze licks his lips. “Um. Hi? Uh, about that video I posted. That was about three days before I was requited…so, uh…” He trails off and runs a hand through his hair. “Yeah…. Um. I’m on medication for the damage the hanahaki did to my lungs and I’m doing better now.”

     Chilled comes back with two plates and Ze takes one, scowling as he swallows the pills dry, before accepting the water glass he’s given. It’s set aside and he nibbles on the shrimp, occasionally popping a noodle into his mouth. “We’re doing well, actually,” Chilled says, draping an arm over Ze’s shoulder. “Even though the both of us were idiots who didn’t realize we had hanahaki for each other.”

     “Wait, wait, wait, wait,” Delirious blurts loudly, “you had hanahaki for _each other_?”

     “Yeah...” Ze says, looking vaguely embarrassed. “We weren’t very bright.” He laughs and rubs at the back of his head, pressing his face against Chilled’s neck. Chilled laughs, too, reaching a hand over to tuck a lock of hair behind his ear.

     “Well,” he muses thoughtfully, “he’s mine now.”

_(Ze is his now._

_He always will be, too._ )

**oOo**

     They barely make it though the stream,  fingers brushing against each other  and constantly stealing kisses, before Ze firmly cuts in with, “It’s getting late, so I’m cutting Chilled off. Streams over guys,” and reaches over to shut everything but the other members of the group off.

     “So,” Brian says, leaning against his desk with a smirk on his face, “you two are a thing now?”

     Ze snorts, barely refraining from rolling his eyes, and reaches over to pinch a snickering Chilled. “Stop laughing, you ass.”

     Chilled yelps loudly, slapping Ze’s hands away from his sides as he giggles. “ No! No! No attacking my sides, Ze!” He pins Ze’s arms and straddles him, laughing as they attempt to tickle each other  stupid. Adam shakes his head, snorting at their antics, and wipes the last of the water off of his desk. 

     “ Jesus Christ,” he says, dropping the napkins into the trashcan, “you guys are fucking adorable. So sugary sweet, you’re giving me cavities.” He laughs and leans back in his chair. “Well then, we’ll leave you two alone then.” There’s a knowing gleam in his eyes  and when Adam logs off, he throws a wink in their direction, giggling hysterically. Ze goes bright pink and immediately slaps the power button, shutting off the computer before anyone else can comment. Chilled wraps an arm around his waist  to pull him closer  and begins mouthing hungrily at Ze’s neck,  peppering the skin with kisses.

     Ze keens softly, tilting his head back to give Chilled more room, and  parts his legs, letting the Italian settle in between them. Chilled drops his  hands onto Ze’s thighs and slides underneath them, pulling the Canadian onto his lap and grinding their hips together roughly. The sound Ze makes is nothing less than pornographic and Chilled snarls,  sinking his teeth into the meat of Ze’s shoulder, ripping a whine out of his throat. 

     Chilled shoves him further up  onto the couch  and slams their mouths together, mapping out the inside with his tongue and tasting him thoroughly. Ze tastes  like  nutmeg and cinnamon, mixed with the sweetness of maple  vodka .  It’s absolutely addicting  and everything—and nothing—like Chilled had ever expected .

     ( To Ze, Chilled tastes like mint and chocolate,  spiked with the sharpness of rum. It’s just as addicting as he thought it would be. )

     There are several choices Chilled can make; he can fuck Ze right there on the couch, he can pin him against the nearest wall, or he can scrounge up enough  energy to actually carry Ze up to the bedroom.

     The choice is made for him when Ze presses down, grinding his ass against Chilled’s clothed cock. Chilled’s breath hitches upwards and he groans, deciding right then and there that  upstairs can wait. Right now all he wants to do it bury himself balls deep within the Canadian’s body.

     (So maybe he’s had this fantasy of fucking Ze on the couch for a while now.)

     Chilled drops his head and tightens the grip he has  on Ze’s thighs, hungrily sucking purple blossoms into the smooth column of his throat. Ze keens softly, spreading his legs further apart  in invitation , and Chilled curses the lack of lubricant on hand.

     ( Now that he thinks about it, t hat bedroom option is looking better and better. )

     Muttering under his breath, Chilled hauls Ze up, wrapping long legs around his waist  and draping slender arms over his shoulders as he heads for his bedroom.  The stairs are a little tricky; he hasn’t taken them while carrying someone else before—not even while dating Jess did he carry her up the stairs—but something  inside of his chest swells at the thought of doing it with Ze.

     Ze keens softly with each step he takes, the  shift of the movement grinding their hips together, and he tilts his head back in open invitation. “ Not yet, baby,” Chilled says  regretfully , bouncing him once  in an attempt to keep from staring at smooth skin , “just let me get us to the bedroom first.  I refuse to fuck you without lube.”

     The Canadian shudders in his grasp and goes still, lips parted as he heaves  for breath. “ Oh, God. Chilled,  _please_ .” He whines, tightening the grip he has on Chilled’s waist, and rotates his hips as best he can, grinding roughly against him. 

     Chilled increases his pace, because this isn’t fucking  _fair_ , and somehow manages to walk the rest of the way to his bedroom (he’s impressed he didn’t bolt for it). The door is slammed shut with a foot and Chilled shifts one hand off of Ze so he can lock it—because some of the other members of the group  _also_ have keys to his place, and he refuses to be disturbed— and Chilled drops Ze onto the bed. Ze bounces a few times on the queen-sized mattress and wriggles into the center, rolling over onto his stomach and parting his thighs invitingly. “C’mon,” he purrs, glancing over his shoulder with pink cheeks, “you know you want it.”

     “I do want it. I want it bad.”

     (Chilled does want it. He wants it so bad he could build an entire house using his dick as the hammer.  He’d rather have Ze on his back though, just so he can see the pleasure cross his face as he fucks him senseless. )

     “ As appetizing as fucking you like this is,  I’d rather have you on your back, though,” Chilled says, licking his lips hungrily, “so I can see your face.”  Ze goes even redder but rolls onto his back, and Chilled nudges his thighs apart so he can settle in between them. Then he pauses, sighs, and pinches the bridge of his nose. “The entire fucking reason we came up here was so I could fuck you with lubricant. And what’s the first thing I forget? Lubricant. God dammit.” He scowls and pulls away, crawling over to the edge of the bed  so he can yank open the side table and search through it. The lubricant he needs is at the back, probably because it’s been a while since he last used it, and he grabs the tube. Chilled turns back and blinks, eyebrows rising slowly. In the moment he had looked away from Ze, the other had stripped off his shirt, kicked off his pants and boxers, and was now in the process of slipping spit-soaked fingers inside of himself. 

     “Chilled,” he whines, lips part ed as he pants breathlessly. 

     “Impatient, I see.” Chilled scoots back over and pops open the tube, slicking up his fingers before replacing Ze’s with his own. The Canadian sighs and pushes his hips forward, keening softly with every thrust.

     (Two becomes three and three becomes four. Ze becomes frustrated and Chilled is having way too much fun.)

     “Oh, God, don’t stop.”

     “Oh?” Chilled asks, and there’s a smirk on his lips, “so you don’t want my cock up your ass?” and Ze spasms at his words.

     “ God, yes.” 

     “That’s what I thought.” Chilled laughs when Ze sicks his tongue out at him, and he leans down to snag it between his teeth, pulling the Canadian into a kiss just as he removes his fingers.

     Ze whines and reaches up, wrapping his arms around Chilled’s shoulders, attempting to pull him in closer. “Please.”

     “All right, all right. My you’re impatient today.”

     “You promised me a good fucking,” Ze snaps, “and I’m not getting fucked.”

     The snarl that rips its way out of Chilled’s chest is surprising and he pulls away. “You want a  good  dicking? Fine.” He lines up and presses the head of his cock against Ze’s hole, pushing forward.  His cock slides in with no resistance  and he bottoms out easily,  dropping his full weight onto the Canadian who keens. 

     “Christ, Chilled,” Ze breathes, and his eyes are heavy lidded, the pupils blown so wide with lust that there’s only a thin sliver of his iris left.

_(It’s exactly how Chilled likes to see him; breathless and spread out on his bed._

_All just for him.)_

**oOo**

     One of the best things Ze has ever woken up to is the fantastic smell of breakfast. He just lies there for a while with his eyes closed, enjoying it, and only opens his eyes when he hears the sounds of footsteps. Chilled steps into the room, a filled tray in his hands, and Ze rolls over to take a look. “Good morning,” he murmurs.

     Chilled smirks and settles down beside him, playing the tray on the bed. “Good morning.”

     Ze glances over the plates on the tray. Waffles with what looks like blueberries, pancakes with chocolate chips, fruit, syrup, and coffee. “Oh,” he says, gingerly picking up a slice of mango, “this looks wonderful. How long have you been awake, Chilled?”

     “A couple hours,” Chilled admits, looking vaguely embarrassed. He grabs one of the waffles and takes a bite out of it, humming faintly at the taste. “Wanted to make something amazing, but I fucked up the first couple tries.” He winces, then adds, “The kitchen is a bit of a mess, but I’ll take care of it later.”

     “Oh, Chilled,” Ze sighs, shaking his headed in amusement. “Don’t ever change.” He snickers at the affronted look on Chilled’s face, then leans over to seal their lips together. “You’re amazing, you know that?”

     Chilled gives him a smirk and a toss of his head. “Of _course_ I’m amazing.”

     “And intelligent, right?”

     “Well, I wouldn’t go _that_ far,” he admits with a wince. “I was pretty stupid about the whole hanahaki incident.”

     Ze chokes on his laughter and nearly upturns the tray, his whole body shaking as he cackles. “We were _both_ stupid.” He wheezes loudly and collapses back into the pillows, throwing an arm across his face. Chilled sets the tray onto the nearby side table and moves to straddle Ze, pressing open-mouthed kisses up and down his torso. He’s laughing, too, his shoulders shaking, and Ze drapes his arms across them, sealing their mouths together hungrily.

_(They don’t leave the bedroom all day._

_The food winds up forgotten.)_


End file.
